It's amazing how your outlook on life can change in a matter of months. What you thought you wanted and desired can change so quickly and permanently. Your heart can harden to people and things. Your hopes and dreams fail and you stop believing in fairy tales.
The last 6 months have been a rough and growing time for me. I have found out who my friends are and who they aren't. I have been alone more often than not and have discovered who and what I am, discovered what I am made of, discovered I am stronger and tougher than I once believed.
I have also discovered I am now numb to things I never thought I would grow numb too and have become weak with things that I didn't expect.
I have come to expect to be hurt in general by people, places, and things. I have come to expect to be let down, used, abused, and discarded. I would like to think it is sad, but I feel apathetic and non-expectant. I am rarely surprised.
People come and go, some always find their way back to you. It's almost like a bad habit you can't shake with some people. Whether they re-enter your life on a romantic or platonic level, they are never really gone and they are never really there.
I have people I was once close with as friends trying to find their way back into my life. I find myself looking at them questioning everything they do, every kind word, every kind action, everything. I have 4 friends, I am finding that is enough. I neither want or need more than those close people. Everyone else falls into 3 categories: Family, The Crew, or Acquaintances. I am OK with that.
My heart is a different story. I think I may have finally given away all I could give and there is nothing left except for what people already have. What I mean by that statement is when I love someone I give up a little piece of my heart, and when I love someone deeply I give up a large part of my heart. I gave the last piece away a few months ago. It amazes me that the opposite of what I thought would happen always happens - you think I would learn by now.
Irish and Big were in my life. Irish never really left. Now, however, they are both gone and it seems it may be for good this time and I am surprised. I am surprised because I was not expecting to feel the way I do about the two being gone.
Big is my friend, he always has been and always will be to some extent. He has been in and out of my life for 15 years. Last time he disappeared before now was last year and it destroyed me. I didn't think I would recover. I cried for weeks, I couldn't eat, and I couldn't sleep. I wanted to be immune to him hurting me again, and now I have found I am. Now that he is gone again after something that could be easily handled, I am somewhat indifferent to it. I was expecting this, even with all the pretty words and false promises that were given in the last few months, it is as if it never happened. I quit believing in Fairy Tales last year, and no matter what happens it seems the little girl in me is gone replaced by a woman who is tired of the bullshit. It is odd to be so non-expectant and apathetic to the situation. I know I will always care for him some way, but not like I used to in the past. Being just friends this time was hard enough. I found I could not trust a word he said, questioning everything he said or did. That's not cool, nor is it what I want. I guess I learned and severed more last year than I realized. Do I want to be his friend? Yes, but not where one thing is disagreed upon, or one person gets there feelings hurt and he disappears. We are grown ass people - we should act like it. I find that I still love him but in a different way. I love him in a way where I can smile on the good memories and take the bad ones for what they are - it's all just memories at this point.
Irish on the other hand is what threw me for a loop. He is gone and my heart is dust. Sometimes you don't realize how much you love and care for someone until they are gone, or in my case you do not realize how strong your fear is until it rears its ugly head and takes away what you want more than anything. I have wondered if my fear where Irish was concerned was justified and it was. He had been hot and cold for months with me and this last time he came back things were different. He was slowly letting himself be the person I fell in love with all the time. His walls seemed like they were coming down, and he seemed genuine, but after months of being told he didn't want anything other than friendship, that he didn't care for me the same way I cared for him, and months of being hurt over and over again I just found it hard to believe that this time was real. I found it hard to believe that he really cared for me on a level that was more than friendship. And all of my disbelief has left me with nothing. I find myself crying everyday and not able to eat. It is a different type of pain than I felt when I lost Big last year. This pain is not only bone deep but my heart feels as if it is struggling to beat. That has never happened before. I find myself looking at my phone when it goes off, only to be disappointed it isn't Irish. I find my friends looking at me helplessly wanting to change things for me, and sighing because they know they can't. He is gone, I have nothing, and god it fucking hurts.
What is really scaring me at this point is the feeling of the weight in my chest - as if I can feel my heart hardening to everyone and everything that would bring any sort of emotion. I find myself not reacting to much over the last few weeks. I have been upset over two things - Irish being gone and Molley nearly dying last week.
It seems when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong. I have been told I will find my way back to the living, but I am not sure I want too right now if ever. Feeling nothing right now is better than feeling anything.
I go to meetings and they tell me to feel it and push through it, but I don't want to. It seems easier to let it stay in the closet in a box on a shelf where I put it right now. I do not feel strong enough to deal with it. I am scared that if I do deal with it I will not come out of it.
One day I will deal with it, one day I will face it. One day, one day.... I have said those words so many times.
