So the last week has been a very moving, learning, and frustrating experience. In the last week I have found out I have less friends than I thought, I am too good to be true, and have had someone beg for my forgiveness. I am exhausted from last week. I am looking forward to having some time off and away.

Friends?

I am tired of being claimed as a friend by those that have no idea what the term means. Webster defines it as such:

1friend
Pronunciation:
\ˈfrend\
Function:
noun

1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance

2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group

3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)

4: a favored companion

I am the friend that calls or sends a text just to let you know I am thinking about you. I am the friend that will always be there for you whenever you call. I am the friend that will cry, laugh, and anything with you or for you.

If you are my friend then act like it. Don't use me for convenience. Be there for me as I am for you or don't even bother. I have had enough bullshit in my life - I don't need anymore.

Givers and Takers

When life falls apart around you it gives you time to reflect on your choices in people, places, and things.

I tend to have too many takers in my life, hell I even seem to be drawn to them.

I am a giver, it's what I do. When I am friends or involved with someone I give all the time with no strings attached. I don't give in order to receive. I give as an expression of love. I listen to what those I care about say and do and do what I can to make their lives easier. If it is cleaning up for them when they are at work dreading coming home bc they know dirty clothes and a messy room await them. It's rubbing their back for them and them not having to ask. It's showing up at their work just to give them a smile and hug bc their day is going bad. It is the little things I do for these people as an expression of my love to them. I give freely, openly, and from the heart. Unfortunately I tend to give to those that do not deserve my my love and only take advantage.

Irish and Big are takers. It hurts to realize this and also to accept it. It hurts to acknowledge that everything I did was in vain and unnoticed. I am not a victim in all of this. I was the one who went back for seconds, thirds, fourths, etc. I knew they were no good for me but I just kept going back.

With Irish there was hope. I was honestly beginning to believe he cared at one point. There were the little things he would do for me that mattered. Calling me or texting me just to let me know he was thinking of me and to keep my chin up. Coming by my work and just sitting around giving me a smile and a hug. Stopping by my apartment to give me hug bc I was sad or just stopping by bc he wanted to see me before spending all night with his friends.Holding me close and telling me things he never talked to anyone about. I gave freely back. I gave more. And when I asked for him to give just a little bit of himself, to sacrifice it was too much. I sacrificed a lot to be with him. I sacrificed self respect and the respect of those around me. I sacrificed my heart and my emotional well being. He knew I was a giver. He knew I loved him. He also knew how to use it to his advantage. He would pull a tantrum or joke or whatever then knew how to say the right thing to reel me back in. And I got hooked every time. He is a taker and a player and I can't have him in my life anymore without changes.

With Big there was hope also. This was a fresh start for our friendship. It was the first time in years we both had clean slates without any excess drama going on then he had to go and fuck it up again. I gave he took. It is a pattern I am seeing to develop. I gave again like I always do with Big and it was never reciprocated. I would make the time and effort for him and our friendship and he didn't do the same. I would always be going to him and I believe he only came to me once or twice. We had a misunderstanding and his reaction was childish. He just stopped talking to me. Then when I wrote the Dear John letter he freaked. He wrote me a letter of apology followed up by relentless texts begging my forgiveness. And did I fall for it? Yep like an old woman down the stairs. He said what he knew would bring me back bc I am always there. He is a taker and a player and I can't have him in my life anymore without changes.

Big and Irish are actually very similar. They both are scared, immature, mind-game playing, little boys that know that I love them unconditionally and always will. They both know that when everything falls apart I will be there for them no matter what has gone down between us in the past. I am both of their Jolene's and for some time now I thought I could not escape it but I am finding that I can.

I thought that Irish and Big would always be my weakness, that whenever they would come back I would just happily and openly let them back in my life - no more.

Irish took the cowards way out and shut things off through text and has gone to his second choice. What's even more sad to me is that I have a strange feeling she knows she is his second choice and she is willing to settle for that. If that truly is the case then they deserve each other and all the misery that will come with it. The worst part is there is a small child in between them that neither truly cares about. He is just a pawn in his parents game. For Irish his son is an excuse and reason to be with her. For her, her son is leverage to keep Irish with her by threatening to take him away everytime Irish does something she doesn't like. Being a mother myself I am sick to my stomach they would put their child through this, but it is out of my hands and control.

Big is also taking the cowards way out just in a different fashion. He says he says he says. He plans he plans he plans. He promises he promises he promises. Does he follow through? Oh no never. He knows what we got to deal with and handle is big but he is too scared to talk about it. He has to go cut grass. He believes he still has me there to catch him, I'm already gone.

I need to know I am cared about. I need to know I matter. I need a giver not a taker. I need someone who will give to me without expecting in return. I have those things in my friends. I find solace in that.

Monkey Bars

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

I'm lost, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do anymore.

Ugh

It sucks getting the questions answered when the answers are not what you wanted to hear.

Irish is living in his imaginary cloud of homey goodness - he deserves it. I know what will happen in the end and at the moment I am glad I am not going to be there to watch it all come crumbling down around him. I remember every word he said to me about his life with her and what will happen if he tries it again. It's hard to be mad at someone when you have done what they have done. It's hard to be mad at someone who is finding a temporary salve to loneliness and doing what they feel is "the right thing" to do. It is not hard to mad at someone who uses you until they don't get what they want because they are to scared to come out and tell you they love you, want to be with you, and too scared to stand up for what they want taking the easy road out.

My heart is hurting but right now all I feel is rage. Rage at losing something that I thought I had but never really did. Rage at listening to every sweet word he said, believing he could be the man he was afraid to be because it would mean growing up. Rage at the fact that every time he looks at her he is thinking of me. Rage at the fact that when he says he loves her he lying not only to himself but to her also. She deserves better than lies. She deserves better than him imagining she is me. She deserves better than him.

I will always love Irish. I can not stop my heart. When I love somebody I never stop. I give them a piece of my heart that I know I will never get back. I also learn from my mistakes. Trusting that Irish cared for me, loved me, and wanted me was a mistake. I do not know if he was to come back if I would ever be able to look at him the same and trust him.

He would have to do a few simple things to win me back and I do not believe he is man enough to do them. So I will move away from here taking a piece of him with me, the best part that I won't let him have back or even be a part of, he doesn't want it.

Mr. Big finally contacted me after I wrote him an email telling him goodbye. He says he misunderstood the situation. He is begging my forgiveness. He is saying he can't walk away from me. He says he misses me and wants his friend back. He says he handled things all wrong and wants to do better now. He says he says he says....

I wish I could escape being Big's Jolene, but I can't. We are always going to be in each other's lives on some level. He is coming to me this time to talk things out, work things out. I do not know what will come of our conversation. With the things I have to say to him I could lose everything, but I cannot lie or try and deny what I feel for him and our friendship. In being honest I can lose everything, and I am willing to take that chance. In telling him everything, I could make it where I could not go home again but it needs to be done. Things need to be said and dealt with, I need to be able to know I can go forward with my life without any regrets.

I feel lost. My head is swimming right now. I feel the need to destroy something beautiful. I know it would be a temporary fix but I need to get this rage out. I need to feel a relelase that only destroying something would bring. I hate feeling this way, I truly hate it.

I finally got a job, it's part time but that's better than nothing right now. I am still frustrated but not as much. I am still not sleeping and I don't think I will until I know how I am going to pay my bills. The part time job will feed me and put gas in my car but won't pay my bills.

Odd places

Its funny where you will find yourself on a Friday night. It's 11pm and I am cooking out with my older brother and my ex-husband.

I know how weird it is to be best friends with your ex-husband and also to have your older brother be roommates with your ex-husband but I consider us lucky.

We could of acted childish, petty, spiteful, and mean. Instead we chose to just realize it for what it was - not working.

We have had our moments where we argued, where we cried, and where we thought of reconciliation, but in the end it was not meant to be. We are better off best friends.

Grilled shrimp and steak kabobs are nice to have after such a hellacious week.

I am still applying for jobs and going on interviews. I am so ready to have a job and a source of income. I have no idea how I am going to pay my bills that start being due on the 21st. I will figure it out I hope. I just want a job. I am not too proud. I have been cleaning houses, doing make-up, and running errands just to earn an extra 20, 30, or 40 dollars. I am just ready to be OK again.

I am so tired of not having a job, looking for a job, and going on job interviews. I went on my 29th interview in three weeks this morning. Somehow I am way over-qualified without having a college degree or knowing how to operate Power Point. It's just so frustrating. I am even considering moving if that's what it takes. Just tired of the rejection. My resume, experience, references, and recommendation letter are too good I guess which makes NO sense to me. I just want a job. I just need a job now.

I don't know if I want to be married, I don't know if I want more children, I just don't know and I am OK with that.

I do know that I want someone to just be with, someone to smile and laugh with, someone to hold, cuddle, and kiss, someone to be there when I get home.

If I get marriage and family out of it so be it - if not I am cool with that too.

I am tired of fielding the questions of when and to whom I will marry and settle down with. I don't know the answer to that question. I do know though that I am going to just live my life without any expectations and hope for the best in love, life, and happiness.