Ugh

It sucks getting the questions answered when the answers are not what you wanted to hear.

Irish is living in his imaginary cloud of homey goodness - he deserves it. I know what will happen in the end and at the moment I am glad I am not going to be there to watch it all come crumbling down around him. I remember every word he said to me about his life with her and what will happen if he tries it again. It's hard to be mad at someone when you have done what they have done. It's hard to be mad at someone who is finding a temporary salve to loneliness and doing what they feel is "the right thing" to do. It is not hard to mad at someone who uses you until they don't get what they want because they are to scared to come out and tell you they love you, want to be with you, and too scared to stand up for what they want taking the easy road out.

My heart is hurting but right now all I feel is rage. Rage at losing something that I thought I had but never really did. Rage at listening to every sweet word he said, believing he could be the man he was afraid to be because it would mean growing up. Rage at the fact that every time he looks at her he is thinking of me. Rage at the fact that when he says he loves her he lying not only to himself but to her also. She deserves better than lies. She deserves better than him imagining she is me. She deserves better than him.

I will always love Irish. I can not stop my heart. When I love somebody I never stop. I give them a piece of my heart that I know I will never get back. I also learn from my mistakes. Trusting that Irish cared for me, loved me, and wanted me was a mistake. I do not know if he was to come back if I would ever be able to look at him the same and trust him.

He would have to do a few simple things to win me back and I do not believe he is man enough to do them. So I will move away from here taking a piece of him with me, the best part that I won't let him have back or even be a part of, he doesn't want it.

Mr. Big finally contacted me after I wrote him an email telling him goodbye. He says he misunderstood the situation. He is begging my forgiveness. He is saying he can't walk away from me. He says he misses me and wants his friend back. He says he handled things all wrong and wants to do better now. He says he says he says....

I wish I could escape being Big's Jolene, but I can't. We are always going to be in each other's lives on some level. He is coming to me this time to talk things out, work things out. I do not know what will come of our conversation. With the things I have to say to him I could lose everything, but I cannot lie or try and deny what I feel for him and our friendship. In being honest I can lose everything, and I am willing to take that chance. In telling him everything, I could make it where I could not go home again but it needs to be done. Things need to be said and dealt with, I need to be able to know I can go forward with my life without any regrets.

I feel lost. My head is swimming right now. I feel the need to destroy something beautiful. I know it would be a temporary fix but I need to get this rage out. I need to feel a relelase that only destroying something would bring. I hate feeling this way, I truly hate it.