Givers and Takers

When life falls apart around you it gives you time to reflect on your choices in people, places, and things.

I tend to have too many takers in my life, hell I even seem to be drawn to them.

I am a giver, it's what I do. When I am friends or involved with someone I give all the time with no strings attached. I don't give in order to receive. I give as an expression of love. I listen to what those I care about say and do and do what I can to make their lives easier. If it is cleaning up for them when they are at work dreading coming home bc they know dirty clothes and a messy room await them. It's rubbing their back for them and them not having to ask. It's showing up at their work just to give them a smile and hug bc their day is going bad. It is the little things I do for these people as an expression of my love to them. I give freely, openly, and from the heart. Unfortunately I tend to give to those that do not deserve my my love and only take advantage.

Irish and Big are takers. It hurts to realize this and also to accept it. It hurts to acknowledge that everything I did was in vain and unnoticed. I am not a victim in all of this. I was the one who went back for seconds, thirds, fourths, etc. I knew they were no good for me but I just kept going back.

With Irish there was hope. I was honestly beginning to believe he cared at one point. There were the little things he would do for me that mattered. Calling me or texting me just to let me know he was thinking of me and to keep my chin up. Coming by my work and just sitting around giving me a smile and a hug. Stopping by my apartment to give me hug bc I was sad or just stopping by bc he wanted to see me before spending all night with his friends.Holding me close and telling me things he never talked to anyone about. I gave freely back. I gave more. And when I asked for him to give just a little bit of himself, to sacrifice it was too much. I sacrificed a lot to be with him. I sacrificed self respect and the respect of those around me. I sacrificed my heart and my emotional well being. He knew I was a giver. He knew I loved him. He also knew how to use it to his advantage. He would pull a tantrum or joke or whatever then knew how to say the right thing to reel me back in. And I got hooked every time. He is a taker and a player and I can't have him in my life anymore without changes.

With Big there was hope also. This was a fresh start for our friendship. It was the first time in years we both had clean slates without any excess drama going on then he had to go and fuck it up again. I gave he took. It is a pattern I am seeing to develop. I gave again like I always do with Big and it was never reciprocated. I would make the time and effort for him and our friendship and he didn't do the same. I would always be going to him and I believe he only came to me once or twice. We had a misunderstanding and his reaction was childish. He just stopped talking to me. Then when I wrote the Dear John letter he freaked. He wrote me a letter of apology followed up by relentless texts begging my forgiveness. And did I fall for it? Yep like an old woman down the stairs. He said what he knew would bring me back bc I am always there. He is a taker and a player and I can't have him in my life anymore without changes.

Big and Irish are actually very similar. They both are scared, immature, mind-game playing, little boys that know that I love them unconditionally and always will. They both know that when everything falls apart I will be there for them no matter what has gone down between us in the past. I am both of their Jolene's and for some time now I thought I could not escape it but I am finding that I can.

I thought that Irish and Big would always be my weakness, that whenever they would come back I would just happily and openly let them back in my life - no more.

Irish took the cowards way out and shut things off through text and has gone to his second choice. What's even more sad to me is that I have a strange feeling she knows she is his second choice and she is willing to settle for that. If that truly is the case then they deserve each other and all the misery that will come with it. The worst part is there is a small child in between them that neither truly cares about. He is just a pawn in his parents game. For Irish his son is an excuse and reason to be with her. For her, her son is leverage to keep Irish with her by threatening to take him away everytime Irish does something she doesn't like. Being a mother myself I am sick to my stomach they would put their child through this, but it is out of my hands and control.

Big is also taking the cowards way out just in a different fashion. He says he says he says. He plans he plans he plans. He promises he promises he promises. Does he follow through? Oh no never. He knows what we got to deal with and handle is big but he is too scared to talk about it. He has to go cut grass. He believes he still has me there to catch him, I'm already gone.

I need to know I am cared about. I need to know I matter. I need a giver not a taker. I need someone who will give to me without expecting in return. I have those things in my friends. I find solace in that.