So the last week has been a very moving, learning, and frustrating experience. In the last week I have found out I have less friends than I thought, I am too good to be true, and have had someone beg for my forgiveness. I am exhausted from last week. I am looking forward to having some time off and away.

Friends?

I am tired of being claimed as a friend by those that have no idea what the term means. Webster defines it as such:

1friend
Pronunciation:
\ˈfrend\
Function:
noun

1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance

2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group

3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)

4: a favored companion

I am the friend that calls or sends a text just to let you know I am thinking about you. I am the friend that will always be there for you whenever you call. I am the friend that will cry, laugh, and anything with you or for you.

If you are my friend then act like it. Don't use me for convenience. Be there for me as I am for you or don't even bother. I have had enough bullshit in my life - I don't need anymore.

Givers and Takers

When life falls apart around you it gives you time to reflect on your choices in people, places, and things.

I tend to have too many takers in my life, hell I even seem to be drawn to them.

I am a giver, it's what I do. When I am friends or involved with someone I give all the time with no strings attached. I don't give in order to receive. I give as an expression of love. I listen to what those I care about say and do and do what I can to make their lives easier. If it is cleaning up for them when they are at work dreading coming home bc they know dirty clothes and a messy room await them. It's rubbing their back for them and them not having to ask. It's showing up at their work just to give them a smile and hug bc their day is going bad. It is the little things I do for these people as an expression of my love to them. I give freely, openly, and from the heart. Unfortunately I tend to give to those that do not deserve my my love and only take advantage.

Irish and Big are takers. It hurts to realize this and also to accept it. It hurts to acknowledge that everything I did was in vain and unnoticed. I am not a victim in all of this. I was the one who went back for seconds, thirds, fourths, etc. I knew they were no good for me but I just kept going back.

With Irish there was hope. I was honestly beginning to believe he cared at one point. There were the little things he would do for me that mattered. Calling me or texting me just to let me know he was thinking of me and to keep my chin up. Coming by my work and just sitting around giving me a smile and a hug. Stopping by my apartment to give me hug bc I was sad or just stopping by bc he wanted to see me before spending all night with his friends.Holding me close and telling me things he never talked to anyone about. I gave freely back. I gave more. And when I asked for him to give just a little bit of himself, to sacrifice it was too much. I sacrificed a lot to be with him. I sacrificed self respect and the respect of those around me. I sacrificed my heart and my emotional well being. He knew I was a giver. He knew I loved him. He also knew how to use it to his advantage. He would pull a tantrum or joke or whatever then knew how to say the right thing to reel me back in. And I got hooked every time. He is a taker and a player and I can't have him in my life anymore without changes.

With Big there was hope also. This was a fresh start for our friendship. It was the first time in years we both had clean slates without any excess drama going on then he had to go and fuck it up again. I gave he took. It is a pattern I am seeing to develop. I gave again like I always do with Big and it was never reciprocated. I would make the time and effort for him and our friendship and he didn't do the same. I would always be going to him and I believe he only came to me once or twice. We had a misunderstanding and his reaction was childish. He just stopped talking to me. Then when I wrote the Dear John letter he freaked. He wrote me a letter of apology followed up by relentless texts begging my forgiveness. And did I fall for it? Yep like an old woman down the stairs. He said what he knew would bring me back bc I am always there. He is a taker and a player and I can't have him in my life anymore without changes.

Big and Irish are actually very similar. They both are scared, immature, mind-game playing, little boys that know that I love them unconditionally and always will. They both know that when everything falls apart I will be there for them no matter what has gone down between us in the past. I am both of their Jolene's and for some time now I thought I could not escape it but I am finding that I can.

I thought that Irish and Big would always be my weakness, that whenever they would come back I would just happily and openly let them back in my life - no more.

Irish took the cowards way out and shut things off through text and has gone to his second choice. What's even more sad to me is that I have a strange feeling she knows she is his second choice and she is willing to settle for that. If that truly is the case then they deserve each other and all the misery that will come with it. The worst part is there is a small child in between them that neither truly cares about. He is just a pawn in his parents game. For Irish his son is an excuse and reason to be with her. For her, her son is leverage to keep Irish with her by threatening to take him away everytime Irish does something she doesn't like. Being a mother myself I am sick to my stomach they would put their child through this, but it is out of my hands and control.

Big is also taking the cowards way out just in a different fashion. He says he says he says. He plans he plans he plans. He promises he promises he promises. Does he follow through? Oh no never. He knows what we got to deal with and handle is big but he is too scared to talk about it. He has to go cut grass. He believes he still has me there to catch him, I'm already gone.

I need to know I am cared about. I need to know I matter. I need a giver not a taker. I need someone who will give to me without expecting in return. I have those things in my friends. I find solace in that.

Monkey Bars

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

I'm lost, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do anymore.

Ugh

It sucks getting the questions answered when the answers are not what you wanted to hear.

Irish is living in his imaginary cloud of homey goodness - he deserves it. I know what will happen in the end and at the moment I am glad I am not going to be there to watch it all come crumbling down around him. I remember every word he said to me about his life with her and what will happen if he tries it again. It's hard to be mad at someone when you have done what they have done. It's hard to be mad at someone who is finding a temporary salve to loneliness and doing what they feel is "the right thing" to do. It is not hard to mad at someone who uses you until they don't get what they want because they are to scared to come out and tell you they love you, want to be with you, and too scared to stand up for what they want taking the easy road out.

My heart is hurting but right now all I feel is rage. Rage at losing something that I thought I had but never really did. Rage at listening to every sweet word he said, believing he could be the man he was afraid to be because it would mean growing up. Rage at the fact that every time he looks at her he is thinking of me. Rage at the fact that when he says he loves her he lying not only to himself but to her also. She deserves better than lies. She deserves better than him imagining she is me. She deserves better than him.

I will always love Irish. I can not stop my heart. When I love somebody I never stop. I give them a piece of my heart that I know I will never get back. I also learn from my mistakes. Trusting that Irish cared for me, loved me, and wanted me was a mistake. I do not know if he was to come back if I would ever be able to look at him the same and trust him.

He would have to do a few simple things to win me back and I do not believe he is man enough to do them. So I will move away from here taking a piece of him with me, the best part that I won't let him have back or even be a part of, he doesn't want it.

Mr. Big finally contacted me after I wrote him an email telling him goodbye. He says he misunderstood the situation. He is begging my forgiveness. He is saying he can't walk away from me. He says he misses me and wants his friend back. He says he handled things all wrong and wants to do better now. He says he says he says....

I wish I could escape being Big's Jolene, but I can't. We are always going to be in each other's lives on some level. He is coming to me this time to talk things out, work things out. I do not know what will come of our conversation. With the things I have to say to him I could lose everything, but I cannot lie or try and deny what I feel for him and our friendship. In being honest I can lose everything, and I am willing to take that chance. In telling him everything, I could make it where I could not go home again but it needs to be done. Things need to be said and dealt with, I need to be able to know I can go forward with my life without any regrets.

I feel lost. My head is swimming right now. I feel the need to destroy something beautiful. I know it would be a temporary fix but I need to get this rage out. I need to feel a relelase that only destroying something would bring. I hate feeling this way, I truly hate it.

I finally got a job, it's part time but that's better than nothing right now. I am still frustrated but not as much. I am still not sleeping and I don't think I will until I know how I am going to pay my bills. The part time job will feed me and put gas in my car but won't pay my bills.

Odd places

Its funny where you will find yourself on a Friday night. It's 11pm and I am cooking out with my older brother and my ex-husband.

I know how weird it is to be best friends with your ex-husband and also to have your older brother be roommates with your ex-husband but I consider us lucky.

We could of acted childish, petty, spiteful, and mean. Instead we chose to just realize it for what it was - not working.

We have had our moments where we argued, where we cried, and where we thought of reconciliation, but in the end it was not meant to be. We are better off best friends.

Grilled shrimp and steak kabobs are nice to have after such a hellacious week.

I am still applying for jobs and going on interviews. I am so ready to have a job and a source of income. I have no idea how I am going to pay my bills that start being due on the 21st. I will figure it out I hope. I just want a job. I am not too proud. I have been cleaning houses, doing make-up, and running errands just to earn an extra 20, 30, or 40 dollars. I am just ready to be OK again.

I am so tired of not having a job, looking for a job, and going on job interviews. I went on my 29th interview in three weeks this morning. Somehow I am way over-qualified without having a college degree or knowing how to operate Power Point. It's just so frustrating. I am even considering moving if that's what it takes. Just tired of the rejection. My resume, experience, references, and recommendation letter are too good I guess which makes NO sense to me. I just want a job. I just need a job now.

I don't know if I want to be married, I don't know if I want more children, I just don't know and I am OK with that.

I do know that I want someone to just be with, someone to smile and laugh with, someone to hold, cuddle, and kiss, someone to be there when I get home.

If I get marriage and family out of it so be it - if not I am cool with that too.

I am tired of fielding the questions of when and to whom I will marry and settle down with. I don't know the answer to that question. I do know though that I am going to just live my life without any expectations and hope for the best in love, life, and happiness.

I no longer believe in fairy tales....

It's amazing how your outlook on life can change in a matter of months. What you thought you wanted and desired can change so quickly and permanently. Your heart can harden to people and things. Your hopes and dreams fail and you stop believing in fairy tales.

The last 6 months have been a rough and growing time for me. I have found out who my friends are and who they aren't. I have been alone more often than not and have discovered who and what I am, discovered what I am made of, discovered I am stronger and tougher than I once believed.

I have also discovered I am now numb to things I never thought I would grow numb too and have become weak with things that I didn't expect.

I have come to expect to be hurt in general by people, places, and things. I have come to expect to be let down, used, abused, and discarded. I would like to think it is sad, but I feel apathetic and non-expectant. I am rarely surprised.

People come and go, some always find their way back to you. It's almost like a bad habit you can't shake with some people. Whether they re-enter your life on a romantic or platonic level, they are never really gone and they are never really there.

I have people I was once close with as friends trying to find their way back into my life. I find myself looking at them questioning everything they do, every kind word, every kind action, everything. I have 4 friends, I am finding that is enough. I neither want or need more than those close people. Everyone else falls into 3 categories: Family, The Crew, or Acquaintances. I am OK with that.

My heart is a different story. I think I may have finally given away all I could give and there is nothing left except for what people already have. What I mean by that statement is when I love someone I give up a little piece of my heart, and when I love someone deeply I give up a large part of my heart. I gave the last piece away a few months ago. It amazes me that the opposite of what I thought would happen always happens - you think I would learn by now.

Irish and Big were in my life. Irish never really left. Now, however, they are both gone and it seems it may be for good this time and I am surprised. I am surprised because I was not expecting to feel the way I do about the two being gone.

Big is my friend, he always has been and always will be to some extent. He has been in and out of my life for 15 years. Last time he disappeared before now was last year and it destroyed me. I didn't think I would recover. I cried for weeks, I couldn't eat, and I couldn't sleep. I wanted to be immune to him hurting me again, and now I have found I am. Now that he is gone again after something that could be easily handled, I am somewhat indifferent to it. I was expecting this, even with all the pretty words and false promises that were given in the last few months, it is as if it never happened. I quit believing in Fairy Tales last year, and no matter what happens it seems the little girl in me is gone replaced by a woman who is tired of the bullshit. It is odd to be so non-expectant and apathetic to the situation. I know I will always care for him some way, but not like I used to in the past. Being just friends this time was hard enough. I found I could not trust a word he said, questioning everything he said or did. That's not cool, nor is it what I want. I guess I learned and severed more last year than I realized. Do I want to be his friend? Yes, but not where one thing is disagreed upon, or one person gets there feelings hurt and he disappears. We are grown ass people - we should act like it. I find that I still love him but in a different way. I love him in a way where I can smile on the good memories and take the bad ones for what they are - it's all just memories at this point.

Irish on the other hand is what threw me for a loop. He is gone and my heart is dust. Sometimes you don't realize how much you love and care for someone until they are gone, or in my case you do not realize how strong your fear is until it rears its ugly head and takes away what you want more than anything. I have wondered if my fear where Irish was concerned was justified and it was. He had been hot and cold for months with me and this last time he came back things were different. He was slowly letting himself be the person I fell in love with all the time. His walls seemed like they were coming down, and he seemed genuine, but after months of being told he didn't want anything other than friendship, that he didn't care for me the same way I cared for him, and months of being hurt over and over again I just found it hard to believe that this time was real. I found it hard to believe that he really cared for me on a level that was more than friendship. And all of my disbelief has left me with nothing. I find myself crying everyday and not able to eat. It is a different type of pain than I felt when I lost Big last year. This pain is not only bone deep but my heart feels as if it is struggling to beat. That has never happened before. I find myself looking at my phone when it goes off, only to be disappointed it isn't Irish. I find my friends looking at me helplessly wanting to change things for me, and sighing because they know they can't. He is gone, I have nothing, and god it fucking hurts.

What is really scaring me at this point is the feeling of the weight in my chest - as if I can feel my heart hardening to everyone and everything that would bring any sort of emotion. I find myself not reacting to much over the last few weeks. I have been upset over two things - Irish being gone and Molley nearly dying last week.

It seems when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong. I have been told I will find my way back to the living, but I am not sure I want too right now if ever. Feeling nothing right now is better than feeling anything.

I go to meetings and they tell me to feel it and push through it, but I don't want to. It seems easier to let it stay in the closet in a box on a shelf where I put it right now. I do not feel strong enough to deal with it. I am scared that if I do deal with it I will not come out of it.

One day I will deal with it, one day I will face it. One day, one day.... I have said those words so many times.

Lurgee

I feel better, I feel better now you've gone
I feel better, I feel strong

I got better, I got better now there's nothing wrong
I got better, I got better, I got strong

Tell me something, tell me something I don't know
Tell me one thing, tell me one thing and let it go

I got something, I got something heaven knows
I got something, I got something I don't know

Getting a dose of your own medicine is never fun. It usually tastes bitter and is hard to swallow. Ignoring it though keeps one from getting better and making a change in their life.

I am getting a taste of my own medicine right now and it is a hard pill to swallow.

I spent the weekend on the coast. I needed to get away and get grounded. My divorce was final this past Friday and I needed to breathe.

I spent most of the weekend talking with my sister. It is interesting to me how I can talk with her and finally see the light. I can’t seem to do that with anyone else, not even my sponsor. I do try but it doesn’t happen.

So many things have been confusing me. Work, family, relationships, friendships, and I just needed to be away from all distractions so I could see it all laid out. I did see it all laid out and didn’t particularly care for it.

It sucks to care for people and have that not returned. It sucks to have the shoe on the other foot when dealing with relationships. It sucks to find yourself in a job you didn’t see yourself in again. It sucks to realize that you feel like you have no one and nothing left for you in your home town. It sucks to realize as your driving back “home” you are crying because you don’t want to go.

I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes in my life, but walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really have any room to talk.

I have done the best that I was capable of over the last few years, especially in the last year. I am at a point where I don’t really care if that was good enough for anyone else. I have had to live my life, not them. I have to deal with the consequences of my choices and actions. It was not my intention to hurt anyone in the process.

I am worth more than I am receiving from those around me. I am worth the time and effort. I am worth it.

I see it for what it is now. I see much more clearly how my choices in people, places, and things have landed me where I am in my life at this current state. I see my part and my responsibility in things and will not take on yours anymore. I see so much more clearly the actions of those around me. I see clearly the fear running most of their lives and I can not be the one to make that fear go away. I have done everything that I can do so far, the rest if up to you. Either you will live your life happy or you will live your life alone – your choice. I suggest you make it soon or it will be too late and I will be gone – never coming back. I am moving fast and picking up speed.

Kissing, I miss kissing. It seems like so long ago I could just lay there and kiss someone for hours and have it go no further.

Kissing with smiles intertwined with laughter. Passionate kisses, soft kisses, aggressive kisses, and then those kisses that make your toes curl and your heart flutter, I miss those kisses.

Everyone forgets about kissing. It tells us so much. It tells us if the person is kind, considerate, caring or selfish, rude, and thoughtless.

The gentle brush of fingers across my cheek down my jaw to my neck, resting a hand there while being thoroughly kissed – yeah I miss just kissing.

There is beauty in the breakdown.....

"Let Go"

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, l-let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Make yourself.....

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow..
If I hadn't assembled myself, Id've fallen apart by now.
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be, Would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow.
But...

If you let them make you, they'll make you Paper-Mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you'll crumble and blow away.
If you let him fuck you there will be no foreplay.
Rest assured, They'll screw you complete, Until your ass is blue and grey!

You should make amends with you,
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
Why not try, and Make yourself?
Make yourself (Make yourself)

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now.
I won't let them make me..It's more than I can allow.
So when I make me, I won't be paper-Mache..
And if I fuck me...I'll fuck me in my own way.
Fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way...

You should make amends with you,
If only for better health (Better health)
But if you really want to live,
Why not try, and Make yourself?
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself!