Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Midnight tonight.

Je veux vous voir ce soir à l'irlandais de minuit.

Happy New Years

May peace fill all the empty spaces around you
And in you, may contentment answer all your wishes.
May comfort be yours, warm and soft like a sigh.
And may the coming year show you that every day is really a first day,
a new year.
Let abundance be your constant companion,
so that you have much to share.
May mirth be near you always,
like a lamp shining brightly on the many paths you travel.
May you be true love, find true love, and revel in true love.
May your desires be filled and your needs met.
May you just be.

When reality hits, it hits hard.

My divorce will be final next Friday and it seems surreal. This is not a place I ever saw myself – getting divorced. I had told myself as I was growing up that I would never get divorced, that I would do anything to keep from getting divorced. Yet here I sit facing the finality of it all and I am unsure how to feel about all of it.

He is a good man. I still love him; I believe I always will in some way or another. There is just one thing he couldn’t do for me, and all of the love in the world couldn’t make that go away.

I was faced with a choice that was pointed out to me by our marriage counselor. We were in for our last session and my soon to be ex-husband said he was not going to change bc he did not want too. The therapist told me in our session later that I had a choice to make – either I could live the rest of my life in the misery I was in only to have it get worse or I could step out on my own and try and find happiness; that I had to accept the outcomes of either choice.

I knew if things did not change that I would slowly decay over the years, I was already dying, and that I would eventually drink again which I did not want. I also knew that if I pursued happiness that there was more chance than not that I would be going it alone. I knew that he would not follow me in my heart, but maybe there is still that believer in fairy tales inside of me that hoped he would.

He didn’t and the divorce will be final next Friday.

I feel indifferent and numb.

I have looked at my life quite a bit over the last year. I have seen it for what it is and what it isn’t. It is a roller coaster and it is isn’t perfect – it will always be this way. I have to come to accept this and move on and make the best of it. I have already made decisions and they will happen, with or with out someone by my side. I know what I want and what I don’t want – I am going to make it happen, the rest of the world be damned.

Today is going to be interesting. I am not looking forward to 2 of my meetings but I am looking forward too and curious about 1. It will be a full day and I do not know how it will end.

My Golden Birthday Weekend

Oh it was a fun one. It is Monday and I am no where near recovered.

Friday -

I went to Fire to see Framing Hanley with Megan and Towne. I ended up running into a few people i knew, my cousin - old friends, and had a pretty good time. Jonathan and I hung out all night and it was crazy seeing his little brother in there with us. I guess I will always think of him as a itty bitty kid. Framing Hanley was awesome live but I was disappointed in how they ended the show. They played for about an hour and ended the show with Lollipop and Hear me now - then they just walked off stage. No thank you, no nothing. I never like it when bands do that. It seemed they couldn't get out of there fast enough. Ah well, it was fun and the music was loud so it was pleasing.


Saturday -

I was so lazy all day. I played on the computer,hung out with the family, played with baby Vaughn, ate leftovers, slept, and cleaned. I must admit I was a little disappointed before I went out and really didn't want to go but I am damn sure glad I did.

Well the night started off bad but ended up being the best birthday ever. I was driving to Dani's and hydroplaned running off the road into the mud. Would that stop me? Hell no! Finally got to Electric Cowboy and there was some shitty cover band playing, but they stopped at eleven! YAY! After that it was nothing but dance music. Megan, Towne, and Baine met us up there and turns out a lot of my old old friends showed up to celebrate with me too. We danced and danced. Then Beebo and her sister Melissa showed up and things got really crazy. There was more dancing, more singing, some sort of interpretive dance, and three Israeli's begging us to come home with them. I flirted with my bartender and gave him a hard time as I usually do, poor shy boy. I still can barely feel my legs! I looked damn good though! Me, Beebs, and Melissa ended the night at the Waffle House in Brandon-Crossgates with Cajun Carl as our server. He is a sweet man and you must go see him and tell him hello.

Sunday -

I slept til one in the afternoon - I didn't get to sleep until five am anyway. I was lazy some of the day. Then I went and met with my new bosses. My work schedule is so gonna change. I will be working nights now. Well, afternoon to evenings. It has been a long time since I have done that. the job is good and the pay is even better so no complaints.

I met up with more old and new friends for dinner at Keifer's where I announced rather loudly that I had an orgasm before I know how it ends - you had to be there. Needless to say everyone was laughing to the point of tears, as was I, and I was as red as cherry for about twenty minutes. It was a lot of fun and a lot of good food. We laughed a lot.

Then I came home and gave myself a mani/pedi, a facial, and a good long hot shower. Of course, I didn't go to sleep until 1:30 in the am but that is me.

I had a good and great birthday over all. I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but I did get to see some of the ones that really mattered and many friends that I hadn't seen in ages. I realize my life isn't that bad - especially when no one believes you are 28 years old and they think your ID is fake!

I may be going off the radar for a while. I will blog a few more times, but it may be a while.

Bad Food + Cold Seating Area + Funny Convo + Odd Service = Good Times at the Waffle House

Megan's Birthday and the weekend

So I have to admit I had so much fun this weekend!

We headed to Bonzai to eat. It was me, Beebo, Baine, Megan and her man, and Matt and his wife. Me, Baine, and Beebo kept each other entertained while we ate. Both of the chefs were hitting on Beebo. It was so funny. And then Beebo and I had Baine helping us eat bc there was so much food. He got rice, veggies, steak, shrimp, and scallops. Spolied boy he was!

I had to drop Beebo off at Sam's on the way to EC. Baine was acting like he was gonna leave but I convinced him to come to EC with us. I used the whole 5th wheel excuse and thank god he came!

We stood around for the longest time just laughing and talking then they started playing the Cupid Shuffle. I grabbed Baines hand and was like we gotta at least do this. Megan and Matt's wife followed us out there.

Let me explain Baine to you. He is your typical looking guy from the small town of the Zoo. He said he knew the Cupid Shuffle but didn't tell me he could dance! That boy can move. I was laughing so much. We stayed out there after the Cupid Shuffle went off and kept dancing. He was popping, locking, and dropping it like it was hot. I cant remember the last time I laughed so much and had so much fun. We were both sweating like fools and were so out of breath!

I let loose and had so much fun.

Baine left around one and I became the 5th wheel like I knew I would. It was ok though bc of course I knew over half the people at the club. I couldn't walk more than 5 feet without being stopped.

I found out an old friend of mine is fighting in Vicksburg in March and I am real excited about seeing him beat this guy's ass. Josh is one guy that you want on your side. He is the sweetest teddy bear to me but someone messes with me or messes with him - game over. Love him to death though. Its always nice having personal body guards and its nice to never worry about my safety when I go out. ;)

Shy-Boy bartender showed up late. I got worried for a second but he showed up around eleven. He is so cute and sweet - so shy! I love talking to him though. After Baine left, I danced for a little while then headed over to Shy-Boy. I was getting ready to leave but he asked me to stay and hang out with him til the lights came on. How could I say no to him? Some of you know! So we talked about movies and comic books. He and his room-mate are going to see The Spirit on Christmas too. I am going by myself since everyone has plans. If Shy-Boy calls though I may go with him and his room-mate. The whole story behind him getting my number is priceless, adorable, and funny. I left him stumbling over his words! LOL

Ah well... it was a good weekend over all. The funeral was Saturday and it was good. I saw a lot of people I have not seen in years. There were hundreds of people there and many old, funny, and endearing stories were shared about Percy and us. Percy's wife came to me and pulled me to the side. She looked me in the eye and told me that Percy loved me dearly and that I needed to know that. It calmed my heart.

Christmas at Dad's was good. We cooked, made candy, and opened gifts. AND I FELT MY NIECE MOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!! Oh my goodness, I got misty eyed.

On the way home my girl Dani called and asked me to meet her and a few friends out at EC. It has been years since me and Dani have been out-out. We had so much fun though. I had her rolling all night and we danced and danced.

God I love dancing.

It was a good weekend. Cares were thrown out the window, I looked damn good, and I came home tired, alone, and perfectly ok with it.

This weekend I will do it again with my 3 day 4 event birthday weekend!!!!

Laundry

It really should not be this difficult to coordinate when and where I will be doing laundry at this point in my life.

Funeral's suck. I hate going to funerals. I do not go unless I know I have to go or if it is someone I cared deeply about. Saturday I will go to Percy's funeral at the Natchez Trace Funeral Home in Madison. I am terrified. Funerals terrify me. They unnerve me. Funerals take me back to my son, seeing him in that casket. I loved Percy and his family though. So I will go. I am terrified.

I have been told to have patience and not to push. I don't want to push right now, I do not have the energy, but I do not know how long the patience will last.

Because I'm evil.....

When the Devil is too busy
And Death's a bit too much
They call on me by name you see,
For my special touch.
To the Gentlemen I'm Miss Fortune
To the Ladies I'm Sir Prize
But call me by any name
Any way it's all the same

I'm the fly in your soup
I'm the pebble in your shoe
I'm the demon in your bed
I'm a bump on every head
I'm the peel on which you slip
I'm a pin in every hip
I'm the thorn in your side
Makes you wriggle and writhe

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

While there's children to make sad
While there's candy to be had
while there's pockets left to pick
While there's grannies left to trip down the stairs
I'll be there, I'll be waiting 'round the corner
It's a game. I'm glad I'm in it
'Cause there's one born every minute

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

I pledge my allegiance, to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Lord Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily.

I'm the fear that keeps you awake
I'm the shadows on the wall
I'm the monsters they become
I'm the nightmare in your skull
I'm a dagger in your back
An extra turn upon the rack
I'm the quivering of your heart
A stabbing pain, a sudden start.

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

It gets so lonely being evil
What I'd do to see a smile
Even for a little while
And no one loves you when you're evil
I'm lying through my teeth!
Your tears are all the company I need

...haldol drip permanently installed straight to the brain.

I am thinking I am a glutton for punishment – or I have just given up and gone numb. Its not just me either. I am seeing this behavior in many of my friends. It is a general attitude of fuck love and fuck commitment. Is it really a bad thing to think that way? I mean, how many of us were told as were growing up by our parents or relatives – oh they are just mean to you because they like you! What a fucking load of shit. The bad thing is we all grow to believe it.

We all end up in these relationships where we are treated badly and think that is normal, think that means they love us. When we find those people that are kind to us, respect us, think of us we wonder what they are after – what’s their hidden agenda? That is screwed up.

I do it myself. I do it to myself.

Then again I just wonder if I have reached a point in my life where I don’t believe anything or anyone anymore.

There are those people that tell you everything you want to hear just so they can stay in your bed, stay in your life, make sure you aren’t looking elsewhere. They pay just enough attention to you to keep you stringing along. These people think it is fine for them to go along with their lives seeing other people, etc. – but god forbid you do it. And these are the people we chase after, stay with, and want to be with – we all need to be locked up in a mental ward in a straight jacket with a haldol drip permanently installed straight to our brains.

Then there are the people we run from. These are the people that truly care about us, that truly love us, that truly want to be with us. These are the people that want to make plans with you, the people who call you just to say hi and ask your day is going, the people that if you have something bad happen no matter how minor or major will drop everything just to give you a hug or hold your hand, the people who tell you that they love the way your skin smells right beneath your shoulder blades. These are the people we keep as friends, these are the people who we refuse to feel for, these are the people we will not believe truly love us or care for us bc we wonder how they could, these are the people we push away every time they get to close but the first people we call when we are in need of help or are in pain. Again – we all need to be locked up in a mental ward in a straight jacket with a haldol drip permanently installed straight to our brains.

Seriously – WTF?!?!

My Niece has a name...

It is Peighton Olivia Hendry.

I am craving Chinese and need to get out of the office, ugh.

threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

LIfe is Short Pt. 2

I got to work this morning, frustrated over traffic and that it took and hour and half to get here when my phone rang. It was my mother. She rarely calls so I knew something was wrong. I think I knew something was wrong when I went to sleep and when I woke up but I shrugged it off.

She called to tell me and old and dear friend not only of mine but my families had committed suicide last night. I don't even know what to feel right now. My chest feels like there is a weight on it. I can't cry. I just feel numb.

I remember the last time I saw him and his wife. I knew he had been having some health issues, possibly even struggling in other areas but he seemed on the up and up.

He got out of the hospital and shot himself.

Percy was a kind and loving man. He was always there for me, as was his wife. They supported my mother when I was ill. They supported me when I had Logan. And when ever I felt down or needed help in my sobriety, Percy was always there.

I remember his eyes, they were so kind. he had a smile that was genuine and full of love. He always hugged me whenever he saw me and told me how glad he was to see me - and he meant it.

He was a good man. God, I said was - that is so not cool. I am just sitting here thinking of all the good and bad times we went through and how grateful I am that I was privileged and blessed enough to of known him and experience his love, light, and grace.

Life is short.

I witnessed something this morning I never want to see again though I know I will at some point given the career I am pursuing. Please go home and hug your loved ones closer, take that risk you have been holding out on taking, be with the people you want to be with, and don't be afraid to tell someone how much you care. It could all be over in a second and then there is no going back.

So giddy!!!!!!

If you go to sleep thinking you will wake up and feel different - then you don't - does that mean something is broken?

annihilation

From dehumanization to arms production,
For the benefit of the nation or its destruction
Power is power, the law of the land,
Those living for death will die by their own hand,

Life's no ordeal if you come to terms,
Reject the system dictating the norms

From dehumanization to arms production,
To hasten the nation towards its destruction
Power is power, the law of the land,
Those living for death will die by their own hand,

Life's no ordeal if you come to terms,
Reject the system dictating the norms

From dehumanization to arms production,
To hasten the nation towards its destruction
Power is power, the law of the land,
Those living for death will die by their own hand,

Life's no ordeal if you come to terms,
Reject the system dictating the norms

From dehumanization to arms production,
To hasten this nation towards its destruction,

It's your choice, your choice, your choice, your choice,
Peace or annihilation

Yep.

"World Town"

Hands up
Guns out
Represent the world town

Sick of all the shit that's keeping me down
Dead from the waist down
It's easy staying down
I never thought about it twice
But you do pay the price
It aint your weekly cash that feeds my mum the rice

Yo don't be calling me desperate
When I'm knocking on the door
Every wall you build I'll knock it down to the floor
See me see me bubbling quietly
See me see me acting like you ain't met me
See me see me bubbling quietly
See me see me acting like you ain't met me

Hands up
Guns out
Represent the world town

Look at what you did, you done it before
Every little dollar just keeps me down more
I never had you on my side bubbling on my side
Why they tell me different
When they make me explodified

Yo dont be calling me desperate
When i'm knocking on the door
Every wall you build i'll knock it down to the floor
See me see me bubbling quietly
See me see me acting like you ain't met me
See me see me bubbling quietly
See me see me acting like you ain't met me

Hands up
Guns out
Represent the world town

I had a good weekend despite the urge and thought to kill the Beebs.

I saw the Cooters on Friday night at Sam’s Lounge and it made me oh so happy. I love the music, but the best part is it always brings out the guys I grew up with. I get to hang out with them, laugh, and relive funny stories. In fact, I am now going to have a birthday song written just for me by the Anticlimactics! I just have to show up at 7 at their show on the 27th to hear it, I am excited! At the same time, there is no telling what the lyrics will be knowing Nielsen. We have known each other for 20 years now I think, so there is going to be some funny stuff in there.

Then Saturday happened. I did not know that my dear sweet Beebs had never seen the Molly Ringwalds before, and I was happy to be the one to pop her cherry on that one. The Molly’s were awesome of course, and then there were the guys Beebs was meeting up with and offered me up to come along with her to meet. They weren’t SO bad, but not people I would probably hang out with on a regular basis. Between a few racial slurs and calling people queer, I just tuned them out and danced my ass off!

Me and Beebs showed off our mad dancing skills when Footloose came on. I got so worked up from dancing and laughing I had to take a break and let my sugar regulate. It was worth it though. The guys finally relaxed at the END of the night, but oh well. They went down on the dance floor with me and Beebs and we all rocked out and danced like fools to 80’s music.

So I had fun, and my experiment had interesting results. Beebs lived and I no longer have the homicidal thoughts towards her. I had fun, that’s all that matters.

Done with electronics.

I am so tired of electronics. I am tired of the email, IM’ing, and the text messaging. I am tired of not talking. If you want to talk to me, call me or make plans with me. It’s stupid, old, and boring. There are a few exceptions to this: You live more than 2 hours away from me, you are related to me, you or me are at work(even though I can speak on my cell phone at work) or its just a quick note bc we are going to see each other within a few days anyway.

Relying on emailing, texting, and IM’ing ruins relationships of all kinds. The basic human connection goes missing and then the friendship flounders. I’m just done with it.

Stars and Vengeance

Boys have stars in their eyes while men have vengeance in their hearts, Stars light up your life for a short while, They bring you comfort on dark and lonely nights, Their warmth keeps you safe at times you feel lost in the dark, Stars fade though as do their warmth, What once was a safe place to fall now becomes a dark pit to crawl out of, Vengeance is like a slow poison one has an addiction too, Its sweet honey coats your lips, Its spice dances across your tongue, You forget what you are playing with is dangerous, You drink it slowly enjoying the thrill it gives, Yet you pay no heed to the damage the poison causes as it corrupts your mind body spirit and soul, Which to choose is a question that flits through a hazed mind and blinded eyes, A choice is made and it is come to this, I choose the sun, I choose the land, I choose the air, And I choose the spirit, I am washing away the stardust and cleansing my soul of vengeance.

To kill or not to kill....

So - my room mate made plans for me today for tomorrow night. I found this out when she got home. I got a text from her earlier today asking if I had plans tomorrow night. Of course I said no and her response was that I did now. THAT should of been my first warning.

Some douche bag cornered her into going out tomorrow night. He is bringing one of his friends and asked my room mate if she had a friend to bring along on this "non-date thing". And I am volunteered unbeknown to me.

So tomorrow night I will be on a double semi-blind non-date thing with my room mate bc I "owe" her for dropping her into the sea of camouflage last weekend.

The description of douche bag was all hers too. I asked her what made him a douche bag, her response was crystal clear and correct. The guy did not want to go to a bar with his guy friends and no girls because then " I would just look queer!" Jesus Christ hanging on the cross.

And then ask, "Are they at least attractive?" Her response is to slowly shake her head and say no. ~SIGH~

The only thing to salvage the night was I get to decide where we go and where are we going? To Fire where the best 80's cover band ever is playing - The Molly Ringwalds. Oh, and I have been given permission to be a bitch - yes sir. It shall be interesting to say the least.

Missing

So as I was driving home last night I couldn’t help but admire the soft moon light as it reflected off of the snow on the ground. There was a chill in the air surrounded by a quiet peace. It was not like driving home. It was almost as if I were back driving through Canada, Philly, or Jersey.

I couldn’t stop my thoughts from wandering. I had a conversation with someone last night that had my thoughts wandering to a place I was not happy about.

I was driving home to an empty and cold apartment, a huge bed I would probably sleep in alone save my two cats, and I sighed. I knew what I wanted to be driving too and that did not sit well at all. I wanted to be driving to a dark room, a warm bed, and a soft place to lay my head. I wanted to be driving to video games, Old Boy, and NIN. I wanted to be driving to someone I could celebrate the snow with, someone I could have a snowball fight with, and someone who wanted me there.

The reality is though these are not things I can have because he does not want them. I wonder if he ever really did. It sucks to miss someone when you don’t want too. It sucks to miss someone who is able to go along as if nothing happened and return to whatever happiness he had before you entered and exited his life. It sucks to be the only one missing.

So, as I sit here with my coffee and donut, I am going to try and put the missing to the side. I am the only one missing so it does seem pitiful on my part.

P.S. I know I am not supposed to be drinking coffee and eating a donut but dammit I had a craving for them, so save the lectures.

RIP Bettie Page

1950s pinup model Bettie Page dies in LA at 85


Bettie Page, the 1950s secretary-turned-model whose controversial photographs in skimpy attire or none at all helped set the stage for the 1960s sexual revolution, died Thursday. She was 85.

Page was placed on life support last week after suffering a heart attack in Los Angeles and never regained consciousness, said her agent, Mark Roesler. He said he and Page's family agreed to remove life support. Before the heart attack, Page had been hospitalized for three weeks with pneumonia.

"She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality," Roesler said. "She is the embodiment of beauty."

Page, who was also known as Betty, attracted national attention with magazine photographs of her sensuous figure in bikinis and see-through lingerie that were quickly tacked up on walls in military barracks, garages and elsewhere, where they remained for years.

Her photos included a centerfold in the January 1955 issue of then-fledgling Playboy magazine, as well as controversial sadomasochistic poses.

"I think that she was a remarkable lady, an iconic figure in pop culture who influenced sexuality, taste in fashion, someone who had a tremendous impact on our society," Playboy founder Hugh Hefner told The Associated Press on Thursday. "She was a very dear person."

Page mysteriously disappeared from the public eye for decades, during which time she battled mental illness and became a born-again Christian.

After resurfacing in the 1990s, she occasionally granted interviews but refused to allow her picture to be taken.

"I don't want to be photographed in my old age," she told an interviewer in 1998. "I feel the same way with old movie stars. ... It makes me sad. We want to remember them when they were young."

The 21st century indeed had people remembering her just as she was. She became the subject of songs, biographies, Web sites, comic books, movies and documentaries. A new generation of fans bought thousands of copies of her photos, and some feminists hailed her as a pioneer of women's liberation.

Gretchen Mol portrayed her in 2005's "The Notorious Bettie Page" and Paige Richards had the role in 2004's "Bettie Page: Dark Angel." Page herself took part in the 1998 documentary "Betty Page: Pinup Queen."

Hefner said he last saw Page when he held a screening of "The Notorious Bettie Page" at the Playboy Mansion. He said she objected to the fact that the film referred to her as "notorious," but "we explained to her that it referred to the troubled times she had and was a good way to sell a movie."

Page's career began one day in October 1950 when she took a respite from her job as a secretary in a New York office for a walk along the beach at Coney Island. An amateur photographer named Jerry Tibbs admired the 27-year-old's firm, curvy body and asked her to pose.

Looking back on the career that followed, she told Playboy in 1998: "I never thought it was shameful. I felt normal. It's just that it was much better than pounding a typewriter eight hours a day, which gets monotonous."

Nudity didn't bother her, she said, explaining: "God approves of nudity. Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, they were naked as jaybirds."

In 1951, Page fell under the influence of a photographer and his sister who specialized in S&M. They cut her hair into the dark bangs that became her signature and posed her in spiked heels and little else. She was photographed with a whip in her hand, and in one session she was spread-eagled between two trees, her feet dangling.

"I thought my arms and legs would come out of their sockets," she said later.

Moralists denounced the photos as perversion, and Sen. Estes Kefauver of Tennessee, Page's home state, launched a congressional investigation.

Page quickly retreated from public view, later saying she was hounded by federal agents who waved her nude photos in her face. She also said she believed that, at age 34, her days as "the girl with the perfect figure" were nearly over.

She moved to Florida in 1957 and married a much younger man, as an early marriage to her high school sweetheart had ended in divorce.

Her second marriage also failed, as did a third, and she suffered a nervous breakdown.

In 1959, she was lying on a sea wall in Key West when she saw a church with a white neon cross on top. She walked inside and became a born-again Christian.

After attending Bible school, she wanted to serve as a missionary but was turned down because she had been divorced. Instead, she worked full-time for evangelist Billy Graham's ministry.

A move to Southern California in 1979 brought more troubles.

She was arrested after an altercation with her landlady, and doctors who examined her determined she had acute schizophrenia. She spent 20 months in a state mental hospital in San Bernardino.

A fight with another landlord resulted in her arrest, but she was found not guilty because of insanity. She was placed under state supervision for eight years.

"She had a very turbulent life," Todd Mueller, a family friend and autograph seller, told The Associated Press on Thursday. "She had a temper to her."

Mueller said he first met Page after tracking her down in the 1990s and persuaded her to do an autograph signing event.

He said she was a hit and sold about 3,000 autographs, usually for $200 to $300 each.

"Eleanor Roosevelt, we got $40 to $50. ... Bettie Page outsells them all," he told The AP last week.

Born April 22, 1923, in Nashville, Tenn., Page said she grew up in a family so poor "we were lucky to get an orange in our Christmas stockings."

The family included three boys and three girls, and Page said her father molested all of the girls.

After the Pages moved to Houston, her father decided to return to Tennessee and stole a police car for the trip. He was sent to prison, and for a time Betty lived in an orphanage.

In her teens she acted in high school plays, going on to study drama in New York and win a screen test from 20th Century Fox before her modeling career took off.

___

Associated Press writers Denise Petski and Raquel Maria Dillon contributed to this

Non-Reflective Mirrors

The best mirrors are the kind that do not show your reflection – these are called trusted friends. I have very few of these mirrors in my life. The ones that are in my life though have no problem giving me a true and honest reflection of myself. It’s a love/hate relationship with these mirrors. I love the person but hate what they are telling me.

I have had two meetings with two of my mirrors this week. One was at Waffle House Sunday night until midnight, and then other was over the phone last night until two in the morning. I am exhausted but did I hear what needed to hear? Yeah, dammit.

I have this amazing ability to attempt and put the blame primarily on those that I feel have hurt me only to have it pointed out to me that I have done the same thing to the ones I feel hurt me. In simple terms, I am a hypocrite. I am no better, no worse than the people who have hurt me. I do try and justify my actions by thinking that these people did it intentionally so therefore it is worse than what I did bc I didn’t do it intentionally. Of course that argument is moot bc at all times I have a choice over my actions, thoughts, and verbalization.

Classic Example: Me and Irish:

I was beyond frustrated at Irish’s lack of trust in me, his refusal to talk to me about anything that was bothering him, and not relying on me when he was in a time of need. Well, guess what? I did the same thing to him. I did not trust him, I would not talk to him when I was bothered, and I did not rely on him when I needed him.

That makes me no better, no worse, no different than Irish. Sucks, but it is the truth. How could/can I expect certain things out of him if I am not willing myself to give them back?

My reasons for not giving them - I cared. Stupid and foolish reason, but it is the truth. I cared and was afraid Irish would think less of me if I showed weakness or need. I cared and was afraid Irish would not like me anymore if I let a vulnerable side show. How stupid and childish of me, and it was not fun having two people that know me so well point it out, my mirrors.

Another Example: Me and Mr. Big:

It was plan and cancel, plan and cancel. Talking – no talking. Dating – no dating. I do believe at one point, had I not had a picture, most of my friends would have thought Mr. Big was imaginary. I was frustrated bc there was no real commitment between the two of us, but yet – I was not willing to commit either. Funny, huh?

That makes me no better, no worse, no different than Mr. Big. Now that pisses me off bc I still have some anger and pain where Mr. Big is concerned, but that also comes from our 15 years of history.

My reasons for not wanting to commit to Mr. Big completely until it was too late? Fear of missing out on something and I did not trust him. That should have told me right there I was not ready to commit to him or anyone at that time.

I could go on with examples not only in personal relationships but friendships where I act this way. That just isn’t necessary bc I do believe you get the point.

I often wonder if I am an emotional cutter. Instead of using a blade I use emotions? I also know I am afraid of anything good that happens to me or anything that makes me happy bc I don’t believe it will last. I usually will self-sabotage in these situations – see above given examples.

Anyway – I love/hate my mirrors. I have amends to make – which I SO love doing anytime I get the chance. Bleah, I just need to grow up and get over myself.

So...

I drew the Ace of Chalices AGAIN! Think someone is trying to tell me something?????

Cold Mechanics

All the warmth has left my bones, I feel a darkness slipping in and taking over, It is cold yet comforting, I see the mechanics falling back into place, The familiar sparks and wires are able to be seen again through the bluish haze of skin, I hear the ticking in my ears of the clock telling me when to get up and when to go to sleep, The only time I feel human is when I sleep, That is when the dreams come, They are dreams are of a happier time, A quieter time, A warmer time, A more peaceful time, I see my organs slowly mold over to mechanics again, I have been here before, This time it is not so scary, This time there is comfort, This time there is a numbing peace, This time.

So, I had my first of three birthday parties this past weekend. To say it was interesting is an understatement. I didn't know over half the people there and I don't think Temper did either.I played with the fire and listened to Ministry. Joey threw diesel on it a few times to get every one's attention. Of course, there was that one girl there that couldn't have fun unless she was starting trouble. Glad I wasn't there when it went down, I was itching for a confrontation as were most of my friends.

Instead I was ramping 4-wheelers with the Beebs and Maggs and the rest of the crew. We were airborne and I must admit that was the most fun of the whole night. It was dark, muddy, and dangerous - perfect recipe for fun. Oh and I lived through it without anything more than a few bad bruises but that's all good.

People had their meltdowns, guess it has something to do with the holidays, economy, etc.

Finally went to bed around 2 or 3 or maybe 4 or 5. I don't even know, but I was taken back to my crazy early twenties thanks to Ayrick and Nekkid Heather.

Kisses were shared all around but I stayed out of it and hung with the Beebo. I do believe there was more camouflage there than I had ever seen in one place before - even the baby Ariel had pink camouflage on!

The next morning was not so great. One of the guys was still drunk when he woke up, went nuts carrying around a loaded shot gun, threatening to kill the horses, calling us all names the worst towards the woman he "loves", also doing this in front of the children, was throwing full bottles of liquor, bowing up at my Temper so I stepped in between them.

The sheriffs showed up, took him away for domestic violence. We moved our girl and her boys out in less than an hour. As much as it hurt to see it go down, as scary as it was when he was bowing up, throwing stuff and walking around with the loaded shot gun, I was grateful. I lived in that before, not fun. I was also grateful that I could see and realize how awesome and strong our core group of friends are. None of us backed down, walked away, or said deal with it on your own. We all stood with each other and our girl. I knew at that moment I had some of the greatest group of friends out there - that no matter how ugly things may get they wont leave, back down, or walk way.

Maybe it wasn't the best way to end a birthday celebration, but that's life. Sometimes you have to stand in between a drunken idiot and your girl, sometimes you have to move them out asap, and sometimes you watch someone get led away in cuffs facing serious charges. It may not happen everyday or all the time with my friends, but I am blessed bc I know if anything like that were to happen in my life again I would have a core group that would love me, support me, and never leave me. I am blessed.

Now on to the other celebrations.....

It Could Be Sweet.

I don't want to hurt you,
No reason have I but fear,
And I ain't guilty of crimes accused me of,
But I'm guilty of fear.
I'm sorry to remind,
You but I'm scared of what we're creating,
This life ain't fair.
You don't get something for nothing,
Turn now,
Hmm gotta try a little harder,
It could be sweet,
Like a long forgotten dream,
And we don't need them,
To cast the fate we have,
Love don't always shine through,
‘Cause I don't wanna lose,
What we had last time your leaving,
This life ain't fair
You don't get something for nothing,
Turn now,
Hmm gotta try a little harder,
It could be sweet.
But the thoughts we try to deny,
Take a toll upon our lives.
We struggle on in depths of pride,
Tangled up in single minds,
‘Cause I don't wanna lose,
What we had last time your leaving,
This life ain't fair.

You don't get something for nothing,
Turn back,
Hmm, gotta try a little harder.
Oh, ‘cause I don't wanna lose,
What we had last time your leaving,
This life ain't fair.
Oh, no, you don't get something for nothing,
Turn back,
Hmm gotta try a little harder,
It could be sweet.

So I drew the Ace of Chalices....

The Ace of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in capturing the essence. My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth.

Heard about my job....

As of January 1, 2009 I will be cut back to 20 hours a week and as of February 1, 2009 I will no longer have a job. My boss is pissed. Another dept. has one too many employees. The deal was that dept. was to condense down in order for my boss to keep me on and save his ass. Well, the guy in charge of that dept. only feels important based on how many people he manages so he went back on what he promised and even asked for more people in his dept. My boss is freaking out bc our dept is expanding further to 2 more states. We are going to hire more Regional Managers and agents. My boss is gone on average 3 weeks out of the month now. There will be no one here to get his work done.

I asked if this was set in stone or if this was still wobbly. I also asked him if the home office comprehended how much my division relies on me, especially since I am the only one in it besides my boss. If I leave, it collapses. Those were my bosses exact words to the CFO. He said it is 50/50 and yes they do know how much I am needed and relied upon which he said he believes because they are going back over the budget with a fine tooth comb to try and keep me. I am just hoping they wise up and realize the other dept does need to condense and tells them too instead of pushing me out.

I am going to be looking more vigorously for a job now. I have been applying but I know the likely hood of me hearing anything before the end of the year is slim.

It is taking everything I have to hold it together right now and finish this day at work.

I have a lot circling in my head right now. I gotta sort it out. I will be writing it out today. Its just all mixed up right now.

When the Lights Go Out

don't it hurt so bad
when you're standin in the sun
in the bottom of your heart
you don't love no one

you can be oh so mean
I just can't see, no in between
you know what the sun's all about
when the lights go out

what a way to live
back of your class
end of the line
always last

you can be oh so mean
I just can't see, no in between
you know what the sun's all about
when the lights go out

see the moon
see the stars
from your lonely seat
in your lonely cars

you can be oh so mean
I just can't see, no in between
you know what the sun's all about
when the lights go out

Sometimes, when there are no words to make things better, friends send you music.

Well she never was the best
Yeah at following the trends
Stayed one step above the rest

And even though it seemed
Like the world was crashing on her
Didn't let it hold her down, didn't hold her back
Oh no
Woah

Don't worry you'll show them

There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn (hope you let it burn)
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard (hope you will be heard)
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard
You're heard

Seventeen is just a test
Yeah and I would recommend
That you live with no regrets

And even if it seems
Like the world is crashing on you
You shouldn't let it hold you down
Shouldn't hold you back
Oh no
Woah

Don't worry you'll show them

Theres a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn (hope you let it burn)
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard (hope you will be heard)
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard
You're heard

Relax girl
Turn down the lights
No one can see you shining
Relax girl
It'll be alright
No one can stop you if you try

Point of rhythm is to follow it in time
To listen to the beating in your mind
Remember if you seek then you shall find
Woah oh

There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn (hope you let it burn)
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard (hope you will be heard)
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard
You're Heard

There's a fire in your eyes (your eyes)
And I hope you let it burn
There's a scream in your voice (your eyes)
And I hope you will be heard
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn until you're heard

Until you're heard
Until you're heard

Worth it.

As I sat at Newk's in Brandon last night with my phenomenal room mate I couldn't help but ask her: Do you think we will ever find that person we are worth it too or do you think we will settle? I saw the same pessimistic look cross her face that has been crossing mine lately. She laughed slightly and said she thought so, she hoped so.

Being worth it matters. Knowing that someone believes in you, wants you, needs you, supports you, holds you up, loves you, cares for you all matters.

Where are the guys who show up when you least expect it? Where are the guys that push for you when you don't think you have anything left to give? Where are the guys that no matter how scared they are stick it out with you bc when they say they care - they mean it?

I know this is partially my fault. Hell, I pick them. I pick the guys that love me but not enough to stand up to their families for me. I pick the guys that use me to get over their break-ups and divorces believing every word they say to me. I pick the guys that don't know what love is, but insist they feel it for me. I pick the guys that say they need time alone right now but it all boils down to them being scared of me and their feelings they have towards me. I pick the guys who refuse to grow up simply bc they are scared they wont have anymore fun. I pick the guys who think they can drop me off and pick me up at their whim. I pick the users, the cheaters, the small boys pretending to be men, I pick them all.

So, what does this say about me? A dear friend would say my picker is broken. That same dear friend has not lost hope that I will find the guy I am worth it too. The guy who will love me for me, like me for me, be with me for me, and just be a good guy.

I am worth it. I do deserve it. I do want it.

The last few go arounds in the relationship tilt-a-whirl though have left me broken and numb. The thought of even attempting to trust anyone whether friend or more right now is repulsive to me. I don't want to be touched. I don't want sex. I don't want intimacy. I don't want talking. I have had nothing, no one since Thanksgiving. I don't want it. I don't want anything, and that is very unlike me.

I feel a weight in chest. It feels like disappointment, not only in others but mainly in myself.

I thought I would be married forever to my ex-husband. I know I will always love him and probably for some time think of him when I think of growing old and having a life, but I don't trust him to take care of me and that hurts. I don't trust him to take a stand when it really matters. I think that may be part of it when you marry and divorce someone. One day I will probably not feel this way anymore.

I thought I would be happy with someone else. It was worth a try. Only he did the same thing to me now that he did 8 years ago. Used me until he felt better then moved on without a glance back. Karma is a bitch though and I know him well enough to know I am still on his mind and that is sad. Fifteen years of friendship gone. I mourned this hard, and I believe I still am to a certain point.

I was alone for a little while then I met someone I clicked with in so many ways. Did I trust him right away? That would be a negative. I questioned his motives on everything. He was persistent though. He got me to relax and have fun. Then like a light switch he flipped from light to dark. He went from wanting me to pushing me away as hard as he could. He went from no walls to a fortress with troops outside. He went from being laid back and easy-going to being prickly and negative all the time. And all that hurt. There is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I wonder - did he get bored? did he use me? was it all a lie? did he really care? Inside I feel like the answer to all of those questions is yes. I haven't been able to talk to him to get the questions answered I would like to ask and he pulled a Berger except it was a text instead of a post-it. I did care about him though, really did.

So, am I worth it? Hell yes I am. I am. Will I ever find the man who knows I am worth it and makes the effort? I don't know anymore. Will I settle for what I can get? Hell no.

If you want me, really want me, then fight for me. Don't give up when the going gets tough. Stand up for me and beside me instead of letting me take the fall. Show you care by showing up. When you get scared stick it out, talk to me about it bc there is a good chance I am scared too. Enjoy me, love me, be with me, I don't ask for much.

My horoscope for the day....

Capricorn

Others are impressed with your drive for excellence. Use this same quest for quality when searching for love. Never settle for second best when it comes to potential partners. Keep your standards high, but realistic.


Hhhhhmmmmm..... Yeah I need to stick by my standards and quit settling in friendships and relationships, starting now.

Detaching with Love

This was my meditation today - ugh. It sucks when they apply to my life like butter to bread.





Friday, December 5, 2008

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Difficult People

Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.

It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system.

We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.

We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms - taking our needs and ourselves into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return.

We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.

We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.

This is the heart of detaching in love.

Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.

So I asked my best friend last night how long this feeling is going to last, her response: A week... 2 weeks.. Then it goes off and on from time to time.

This really sucks guys, like seriously.

I need a vacation. I am hoping I get this promotion at work bc that means a trip to UTAH in January. I will get to hang out with friends, go skiing, play in the snow, and work in between. Keep your fingers crossed bc I need that bad.

WOW

I just realized that the third book of the trilogy I have been reading all year just came out! Yay! Going to get it after work and will be engrossed in that book for the next week!

Shouldn't be amazed anymore...

People amaze me. I know they shouldn't at this point in my life but they still do. I have come to realize also I am not the only one experiencing people like this – the kind that use you until they feel better then discard you. So many of my friends and I have been discussing or dealing with this lately. We all come to the same question at the end of the conversation – Do they really think that they can just pick up where they left off with us in friendships or relationships after they deal with whatever they have to deal with or when they get lonely again or when they want to get laid again? Our answers are all the same – no. It hurts and its sad people can be this way when we give openly and freely of ourselves, our time, and our hearts. Oh well, there loss not ours.

I think I have found out that it is possible to reach a semi-delirious state right now. I want to cry and laugh at the same time. Cry bc I feel so overwhelmed and laugh bc there isn't a damn thing I can do about the situations bringing about these emotions. The walls went up fast this time, faster than I thought they would. That old familiar feeling of space, time, and distance between myself and others is back and I can't say that I am disappointed. I actually feel safer right now behind my walls. I feel like I am peeking over the top and sighing. I don't want to come out from behind them, I don't know if I ever will - and I don't know if that is a bad thing. Its cold and numb, but I don't mind.

It's a girl!!!!

My brother just called as he and my sis-in-law were leaving the doctors office! ITS A GIRL!!!!! I will have my new niece in April!!! YAY!

Last Flowers ~ Radiohead

appliances have gone berserk
i cannot keep up
treading on people's toes
snot-nosed little punk
and i can't face the evening straight
you can offer me escape
houses move and houses speak
if you take me there you'll get relief, relief, relief, relief
and if i'm gonna talk
i just want to talk
please don't interrupt
just sit back and listen
cos i can't face the evening straight
you can offer me escape
houses move and houses speak
if you take me there you'll get relief, relief, relief, relief
relief, relief
it's too much, too bright, too powerful
too much, too bright, too powerful
too much, too bright, too powerful
too much, too bright, too powerful

Got my car and news on my job.

So, I got my car back yesterday. Brad called to tell me that it was ready. Of course I asked him what was wrong with it and his response? "I dunno, I didn't ask." I swear, I could slap him sometimes. Anyways, like I have been saying and like I asked when my car was in the shop a week and a half ago, the starter needs to be replaced. And guess what? It was the starter! WOW! I swear. Anyway, I talked with the guy and let him know my car was still over-revving. He said next time it does that to bring it in and he will take care of it no charge. See what happens when you talk to people? It doesn't seem anything I asked (well Brad set it up - so) to get checked got checked a week and a half ago. They just got it running. That is not happening again. I am grateful to have my car fixed and grateful Brad could help me out. I will just be glad when I get ahead again.

I should also know Monday about my deal here at SNL. I was discussed at length in the budget meeting on Tuesday. They decided to just bypass one department and go straight to accounting. So, my boss man has flown to Utah and is meeting with accounting today and tomorrow to figure out how to give me what I have asked for and what I deserve as far as salary and benefits. He knows, as do the company, I will leave if I do not get it. My boss and the company have also said they know when I leave, my division/department will collapse since I am the only one running it outside of my boss. So, let's keep our fingers crossed bc I really love this job.

Breathe me ~ Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

4 Minute Warning - Radiohead

This is just a nightmare
Soon I'm gonna wake up
Someones gonna bring me round
Running from the bombers
Hiding in the forest
Running through the fields
Laying flat on the ground
Just like everybody
Stepping over heads
Running from the underground
And this is your warning
4 minute warning
I don't wanna hear it
I don't wanna know
I just wanna run and hide
This is just a nightmare
But soon I'm gonna wake up
Someone's gonna bring me round
This is a warning
4 minute warning

I can't find the surface.

Last night was the straw that broke the camels back.

I was at the company Christmas party, and I was having fun despite the fact that it dragged forever. I’m really good friends with some of my Regional Managers and we were making plans to go out to Fenian’s afterwards. To be honest I was excited and happy. I don’t get to see Jen, Todd, and Kary that often, but when I do it is always a blast.

So, anyways most of you know my car was in the shop about a week and a half ago getting the intake manifold replaced. I was also on and on about the starter. I kept saying get it checked, it’s going to go out. Did they check it or replace it? Of course not. I was told my starter was fine and that replacing the intake manifold WILL fix ALL my problems. Did it? Of course not. My starter was still coughing and my engine was still over-revving. So guess what? My car is at the Hilton broke down. Yes, that’s right.

I’m laughing, having a good time, looking forward to going out and being crazy and what happens? My car wont start just grinds. Of course it took 5 men to tell me it was the starter after me and 2 other women kept saying it’s the starter. That was it.

I kept it together until I got home. I took a long shower and just had the last 4-5 weeks rolling over in my mind like a tape on replay and I broke.

I called my best friend and just lost it. Full blown panic attack, crying, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and my sugar was on a roller coaster. I feel like I am stuck under water and can’t find the surface to break through for air. It’s just this sinking feeling and I don’t know how to get past it.

It seems every time I turn around for the last 4-5 weeks something else goes wrong, breaks, or goes to shit. It all started with falling in the tub and busting my face to now where in less than 2 weeks my car is not working again.

I know I joke about being Murphy, because face it, I am. If it is going to happen, it is going to happen to me, but there is only so much I can take. I can laugh for a short time but after while it starts piling up and I can’t laugh anymore. At this point I can’t even smile.

I am just tired. I am tired of every time I get a little bit a head something happens to pull me back 50-100 steps. I am tired of people I trust letting me down. I am tired of missing my son and aching for him to be in my arms because I know he never will be again until I am in heaven with him. I am tired of being a disappointment to my parents and having to hear it or be treated as if I don’t exist. I am tired of losing weight – I have lost 35-40 pounds this year alone. I am tired of being unappreciated. I am tired of not being worth it to anyone to at least try. I am tired of being tired.

I just want to crawl in bed and sleep it all away.

I am at my breaking point and there is a stone forming where my heart used to be.

Being vs Doing

Why is t so difficult for some to understand the difference between doing and being? Do we always have to be doing? Why can’t we just be? Why can’t two people just exist in the same space and find peace and comfort in just being?

I have often wondered this, maybe I am just an odd ball. I can find comfort, joy, and peace just being in the same space as one or many people. I have so many people like this in my life. I don’t have to be DOING anything. I can just BE.

I have often looked at people and told them how much I enjoyed the time I spent with them and I am met with this question: “Why? We didn’t do anything.” That is exactly my point.

Just be, don’t do. I don’t have to be entertained. I don’t have to be wined and dined. I don’t have to go do anything.

Maybe I am just old for my age. I am just as happy sitting at home being as I am out doing anything. To be honest I probably would prefer to be at home just cooking, cleaning, playing games, playing on the internet, hanging out, or even watching a movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I do get the itch every now and then where I have to go out. I have to be social surrounded by a bunch of people I don’t know, dancing my ass off. That is rare though, maybe once or twice a month.

It tires me to go out constantly. I look at this month in December and it tires me just thinking about it. I am so excited about this month and all the parties and such going on but I am looking forward to a quiet January.

This weekend is mine, Debbie, and Joey’s birthday party. It is going to be so much fun. I love that crew so much. I always have so much fun. I can let my hair down and act a fool and I have people who do it with me. I probably act my craziest and carefree around this crew.

The next weekend I have no plans as of yet but I do know something will come up, always does in December.

On the 23rd my dearest, oldest, truest, bestest friend is coming in town for 7 days. There will be many late nights up talking with him and just being.

On the third weekend(the 20th) it is Lil Bits (Megan) birthday celebration. We are going out and shaking our asses and being girls. I am so excited!

Then comes Christmas with the family which is always stressful, yay.

The last weekend (26th and 27th) is my birthday weekend. The 26th Framing Hanley will be at Fire. I know there is a group of us going to that! Then the 27th we are going to EC to shake our asses and be fools. All are welcome! Come celebrate my birthday with me!!!!! On Sunday (28th) I will be 28 and I will probably sleep all day.

Then comes New Years, and I think we will probably be back at EC with friends and dance the night a way. I gotta find my New Years Kiss. I didn’t have one last year!

So, yeah, this month is gonna be busy. I will be doing a lot of DO, but I will be making time to just BE with those people I care about, or at least trying too.

Being is more important to me than doing. I will take being over doing any day, anytime, anywhere,

So the day goes....

I have not had a good last 5 or 6 days. Everything that could go wrong of course has. I am working on very little sleep, especially since there was some damn critter scurrying around my apartment last night driving my cats crazy. Of course once things did get quiet I couldn't sleep because I was afraid whatever it was scurrying around was gonna find its way to crawl all over me. Never did catch it by the way. Then I get a message from my mom. Most of you know she had breast cancer a few years ago and has been cancer free for a while now. She has been having to go every 3 months for check-ups since being pronounced cancer free. Today was another check-up and good news, her check-ups are now every 6 months instead of every 3 months. That is such good news. She is still gonna have to be on the meds, but going every 6 months instead of 3 is a good sign and makes the day a little better.

Welcome to Murphydom

My nickname is Murphy for a reason. My boss has all the regional managers in for meetings this week which makes me errand girl. Today I was on my way to get lunch in my bosses car and guess what? I ran out of gas. He forgot to put gas in it and I didnt even think to look. So there I am right before noon in the middle of the road off Northside Drive and no gas in the car. Luckily, some guys pushed me down to the Kroger gas station. I filled the damn thing all the way up.

So here we go....

My first post and there will be more to come. I will be posting daily stuff, daily meditations, and of course my Poetry. Hope you guys enjoy!