I can't find the surface.

Last night was the straw that broke the camels back.

I was at the company Christmas party, and I was having fun despite the fact that it dragged forever. I’m really good friends with some of my Regional Managers and we were making plans to go out to Fenian’s afterwards. To be honest I was excited and happy. I don’t get to see Jen, Todd, and Kary that often, but when I do it is always a blast.

So, anyways most of you know my car was in the shop about a week and a half ago getting the intake manifold replaced. I was also on and on about the starter. I kept saying get it checked, it’s going to go out. Did they check it or replace it? Of course not. I was told my starter was fine and that replacing the intake manifold WILL fix ALL my problems. Did it? Of course not. My starter was still coughing and my engine was still over-revving. So guess what? My car is at the Hilton broke down. Yes, that’s right.

I’m laughing, having a good time, looking forward to going out and being crazy and what happens? My car wont start just grinds. Of course it took 5 men to tell me it was the starter after me and 2 other women kept saying it’s the starter. That was it.

I kept it together until I got home. I took a long shower and just had the last 4-5 weeks rolling over in my mind like a tape on replay and I broke.

I called my best friend and just lost it. Full blown panic attack, crying, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and my sugar was on a roller coaster. I feel like I am stuck under water and can’t find the surface to break through for air. It’s just this sinking feeling and I don’t know how to get past it.

It seems every time I turn around for the last 4-5 weeks something else goes wrong, breaks, or goes to shit. It all started with falling in the tub and busting my face to now where in less than 2 weeks my car is not working again.

I know I joke about being Murphy, because face it, I am. If it is going to happen, it is going to happen to me, but there is only so much I can take. I can laugh for a short time but after while it starts piling up and I can’t laugh anymore. At this point I can’t even smile.

I am just tired. I am tired of every time I get a little bit a head something happens to pull me back 50-100 steps. I am tired of people I trust letting me down. I am tired of missing my son and aching for him to be in my arms because I know he never will be again until I am in heaven with him. I am tired of being a disappointment to my parents and having to hear it or be treated as if I don’t exist. I am tired of losing weight – I have lost 35-40 pounds this year alone. I am tired of being unappreciated. I am tired of not being worth it to anyone to at least try. I am tired of being tired.

I just want to crawl in bed and sleep it all away.

I am at my breaking point and there is a stone forming where my heart used to be.