Worth it.

As I sat at Newk's in Brandon last night with my phenomenal room mate I couldn't help but ask her: Do you think we will ever find that person we are worth it too or do you think we will settle? I saw the same pessimistic look cross her face that has been crossing mine lately. She laughed slightly and said she thought so, she hoped so.

Being worth it matters. Knowing that someone believes in you, wants you, needs you, supports you, holds you up, loves you, cares for you all matters.

Where are the guys who show up when you least expect it? Where are the guys that push for you when you don't think you have anything left to give? Where are the guys that no matter how scared they are stick it out with you bc when they say they care - they mean it?

I know this is partially my fault. Hell, I pick them. I pick the guys that love me but not enough to stand up to their families for me. I pick the guys that use me to get over their break-ups and divorces believing every word they say to me. I pick the guys that don't know what love is, but insist they feel it for me. I pick the guys that say they need time alone right now but it all boils down to them being scared of me and their feelings they have towards me. I pick the guys who refuse to grow up simply bc they are scared they wont have anymore fun. I pick the guys who think they can drop me off and pick me up at their whim. I pick the users, the cheaters, the small boys pretending to be men, I pick them all.

So, what does this say about me? A dear friend would say my picker is broken. That same dear friend has not lost hope that I will find the guy I am worth it too. The guy who will love me for me, like me for me, be with me for me, and just be a good guy.

I am worth it. I do deserve it. I do want it.

The last few go arounds in the relationship tilt-a-whirl though have left me broken and numb. The thought of even attempting to trust anyone whether friend or more right now is repulsive to me. I don't want to be touched. I don't want sex. I don't want intimacy. I don't want talking. I have had nothing, no one since Thanksgiving. I don't want it. I don't want anything, and that is very unlike me.

I feel a weight in chest. It feels like disappointment, not only in others but mainly in myself.

I thought I would be married forever to my ex-husband. I know I will always love him and probably for some time think of him when I think of growing old and having a life, but I don't trust him to take care of me and that hurts. I don't trust him to take a stand when it really matters. I think that may be part of it when you marry and divorce someone. One day I will probably not feel this way anymore.

I thought I would be happy with someone else. It was worth a try. Only he did the same thing to me now that he did 8 years ago. Used me until he felt better then moved on without a glance back. Karma is a bitch though and I know him well enough to know I am still on his mind and that is sad. Fifteen years of friendship gone. I mourned this hard, and I believe I still am to a certain point.

I was alone for a little while then I met someone I clicked with in so many ways. Did I trust him right away? That would be a negative. I questioned his motives on everything. He was persistent though. He got me to relax and have fun. Then like a light switch he flipped from light to dark. He went from wanting me to pushing me away as hard as he could. He went from no walls to a fortress with troops outside. He went from being laid back and easy-going to being prickly and negative all the time. And all that hurt. There is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I wonder - did he get bored? did he use me? was it all a lie? did he really care? Inside I feel like the answer to all of those questions is yes. I haven't been able to talk to him to get the questions answered I would like to ask and he pulled a Berger except it was a text instead of a post-it. I did care about him though, really did.

So, am I worth it? Hell yes I am. I am. Will I ever find the man who knows I am worth it and makes the effort? I don't know anymore. Will I settle for what I can get? Hell no.

If you want me, really want me, then fight for me. Don't give up when the going gets tough. Stand up for me and beside me instead of letting me take the fall. Show you care by showing up. When you get scared stick it out, talk to me about it bc there is a good chance I am scared too. Enjoy me, love me, be with me, I don't ask for much.