When reality hits, it hits hard.

My divorce will be final next Friday and it seems surreal. This is not a place I ever saw myself – getting divorced. I had told myself as I was growing up that I would never get divorced, that I would do anything to keep from getting divorced. Yet here I sit facing the finality of it all and I am unsure how to feel about all of it.

He is a good man. I still love him; I believe I always will in some way or another. There is just one thing he couldn’t do for me, and all of the love in the world couldn’t make that go away.

I was faced with a choice that was pointed out to me by our marriage counselor. We were in for our last session and my soon to be ex-husband said he was not going to change bc he did not want too. The therapist told me in our session later that I had a choice to make – either I could live the rest of my life in the misery I was in only to have it get worse or I could step out on my own and try and find happiness; that I had to accept the outcomes of either choice.

I knew if things did not change that I would slowly decay over the years, I was already dying, and that I would eventually drink again which I did not want. I also knew that if I pursued happiness that there was more chance than not that I would be going it alone. I knew that he would not follow me in my heart, but maybe there is still that believer in fairy tales inside of me that hoped he would.

He didn’t and the divorce will be final next Friday.

I feel indifferent and numb.

I have looked at my life quite a bit over the last year. I have seen it for what it is and what it isn’t. It is a roller coaster and it is isn’t perfect – it will always be this way. I have to come to accept this and move on and make the best of it. I have already made decisions and they will happen, with or with out someone by my side. I know what I want and what I don’t want – I am going to make it happen, the rest of the world be damned.