Non-Reflective Mirrors

The best mirrors are the kind that do not show your reflection – these are called trusted friends. I have very few of these mirrors in my life. The ones that are in my life though have no problem giving me a true and honest reflection of myself. It’s a love/hate relationship with these mirrors. I love the person but hate what they are telling me.

I have had two meetings with two of my mirrors this week. One was at Waffle House Sunday night until midnight, and then other was over the phone last night until two in the morning. I am exhausted but did I hear what needed to hear? Yeah, dammit.

I have this amazing ability to attempt and put the blame primarily on those that I feel have hurt me only to have it pointed out to me that I have done the same thing to the ones I feel hurt me. In simple terms, I am a hypocrite. I am no better, no worse than the people who have hurt me. I do try and justify my actions by thinking that these people did it intentionally so therefore it is worse than what I did bc I didn’t do it intentionally. Of course that argument is moot bc at all times I have a choice over my actions, thoughts, and verbalization.

Classic Example: Me and Irish:

I was beyond frustrated at Irish’s lack of trust in me, his refusal to talk to me about anything that was bothering him, and not relying on me when he was in a time of need. Well, guess what? I did the same thing to him. I did not trust him, I would not talk to him when I was bothered, and I did not rely on him when I needed him.

That makes me no better, no worse, no different than Irish. Sucks, but it is the truth. How could/can I expect certain things out of him if I am not willing myself to give them back?

My reasons for not giving them - I cared. Stupid and foolish reason, but it is the truth. I cared and was afraid Irish would think less of me if I showed weakness or need. I cared and was afraid Irish would not like me anymore if I let a vulnerable side show. How stupid and childish of me, and it was not fun having two people that know me so well point it out, my mirrors.

Another Example: Me and Mr. Big:

It was plan and cancel, plan and cancel. Talking – no talking. Dating – no dating. I do believe at one point, had I not had a picture, most of my friends would have thought Mr. Big was imaginary. I was frustrated bc there was no real commitment between the two of us, but yet – I was not willing to commit either. Funny, huh?

That makes me no better, no worse, no different than Mr. Big. Now that pisses me off bc I still have some anger and pain where Mr. Big is concerned, but that also comes from our 15 years of history.

My reasons for not wanting to commit to Mr. Big completely until it was too late? Fear of missing out on something and I did not trust him. That should have told me right there I was not ready to commit to him or anyone at that time.

I could go on with examples not only in personal relationships but friendships where I act this way. That just isn’t necessary bc I do believe you get the point.

I often wonder if I am an emotional cutter. Instead of using a blade I use emotions? I also know I am afraid of anything good that happens to me or anything that makes me happy bc I don’t believe it will last. I usually will self-sabotage in these situations – see above given examples.

Anyway – I love/hate my mirrors. I have amends to make – which I SO love doing anytime I get the chance. Bleah, I just need to grow up and get over myself.